Die

He reached out with his bloody hand, and ripped out my heart, watched me scream.
I asked for it back, and tried to snatch it straight from his hands,
But he only grasped it harder, crushing it.
Every time I even attempt to take it back from him, he only breaks it a little more.
I have no voice; I can no longer scream. There’s no more tears.
The heart is shattered, and there is nothing left but this heartless body.
And before I knew it, he had taken that too.
I was nothing but a figure walking around, wondering what it was that he was trying to do.
Finally he took my hand, and kissed my lips.
“Finally we can be with each other forever.”

Just a Human

I don't see the difference between me and her.
Them and us.
We both have skin, and both urinate.
We both have a heart, and put on a face.
The only difference is,....
I'll love you more.

Im not telling you a story about great things in my life, not that I could tell you. I wouldn’t remember. Im not telling you how hurt I was, or how dark it was, and how much hate I had inside against everyone of ‘us’ or how it felt to drink from others. Im just telling this story so maybe you may realize that I lie about my whole life.

I was young… and I was dead. I was dead, and I just didn’t care. I still felt pain, and I still felt tears. I still felt joy,.. and I still felt love.

I learned everything that there was to learn in the 18th century. I very much so miss the fashion, and the lifestyle. I was 17 and living in Scotland. I must have moved to so many states, and countries, I cant even keep up with it. I did however like England the most, and stayed there the longest. In fact, I often go back. I learned to control my accent however. I grew tired of boys being all over me because I was ’from England’. Sometimes you’d wonder why I like to play dress up so much, or often walk around in some old clothing for no special occasion.

Than the 19th century rolled around, I began going out, doing everything with other people. I learned to make friends with large groups of people. I would party, and loose myself after a long boring life. I began to loose myself to everything. To drugs especially. If you could have seen me, you wouldn’t even recognize me. Than I found the few friends who saved my life, however, they passed and faded. I continued to try and find people, and then I soon realized, the best of the best would come to me, and weren’t only there ‘only’ when I needed them, but all the time.

One day, finally, I was able to watch the sun set… and the sunrise. A small smile would play upon my lips every time I stared into the big screen, or sometimes I‘ll even sit in front of the television, wishing I could go out there into the real world. Some say we can actually go out into the sun, but I don’t dare to even try.

As time went by, I tried harder and harder to become a normal person, trying to see what its like to live without everything you want. So I left my job, and left my home. I traveled around finding some big cities. Its easier to be forgotten in cities, but I took a stop in a small town. I don’t know how well I played it off there, since I was attacked by all these questions. First thing they assumed? I was a vampire. But that was ok, because some of them really tried to convince me that they were one. I always denied boys that wanted me too much… It was always the same thing over and over, and they all wanted the same thing, so I eventually decided to tell them that I wasn’t interested in sex, only to find the ones who really cared, but why was it that every time I found an interest in a boy, before he did me, I could never make him fall? I didn’t understand.

All the time I’d pretend that I don’t know anything,.. If I acted like the smartest person in the world, they’d wonder why the hell im not in some college, and have a great job. Getting everything your way is such a boring way to live. But after a while, I’ve come to realize that my acting is set in my brain, and I cannot even function like a normal person. Its like all my knowledge has been locked away. With all the countries I’ve been to, I ended up learning many different languages, and slang, but after so long, I tend to have gotten them mixed up, and soon I wasn’t even able to say a simple sentence without mixing other languages in. Luckily I was able to take up sign language pretty easily. College these days are so much different. Sorta.

It seems as if my brain works all on its own. Being who I am, I have plenty of memories, or at least I should, right? Maybe too many to keep track, so on a regular basis, they seem to be erased, rather I like it or not…and which ones is not my choice. I guess I only have so much room. Heh, no, not really. Im not that stupid.

Without having a job, and for some reason its getting harder and harder to pick one up, I had to find people to live with. Staying in one spot, and after the people start to realize that you’ve looked the same for years can stir things around, but when your old, and you still stay looking old, no one seems to notice. Of course I still look like a little 14 year old, so here I am, in a new state. It wouldn’t be so bad if my mother was around. She past away not too long ago, and I’ll always remember the way she begged me not to go the night before she passed. It breaks my heart. A few years before she passed, I met my sister. No, she is not like us.. She’s a half sister. Maybe she or I were not to know about each others lives, or something. I havnt a clue. Maybe it was to keep her from danger. I also have a totally different half brother. I havnt yet met him. Maybe one day. After all, I have almost my whole life.

After living a life as a normal person, Im suddenly wanting to go back… maybe have a little fun. I’ve missed out on sooo much just trying to be a simple, normal, everyday person, that I haven’t even done the things that most humans have done. But what is there to do in this boring state? I’d move, but I think I may stick around my father for a little while. I havn’t seen him for a long while, and Im coming to realize that his medieval lifestyle is fading fast, even if he is in the SCA. That’s what I like though. I can dress just like I did when I was just a young girl. Its just a little hard to find people to make me dresses these days.. But that’s ok. I like playing dress up. I didn’t want long hair like the rest of ‘them’ so I cut it, short, and kept cutting it. And after a while, I came to realize that I was missing my long hair, so I grew it back, and then for some reason, cut it again, so now im trying to grow it back. It seems to be taking forever. Especially for my modeling, which was actually a mistake… A vampire should never let themselves be known in a wide verity of people…

I Dont Know

Its been a long time since I heard your voice.
I asked, and you told me, yes, you still missed me;
Love in fact.
But as we talked, and as your one word replies kept coming, I kept wondering.
And so I told you I missed you, and you said it back;
It was as simple as that.
But as you kept going off topic, farther and farther away, I kept wondering.
So I told you, asked you, questioned. Should I have?
You said that I shouldn't,... it should be obvious.
But its been weeks,
Still not a word,
not a single word,
and it was slowly tearing me apart.

But it must have been obvious...
that you couldn't tell at all.
And if you couldn't tell now, when would you?
Did you really miss me? Or are those just wasted words?
Stop wasting your breath,.. Please stop playing with my heart.
If you missed me, I would be able to tell.
If you still loved me... I should still be able to tell.

And I closed my eyes

And so I told him a little something, and asked if he got the hint...
And when he denied it, I just let it go, but I really wanted him to hear it...
I rolled over and let a few tears roll down my cheeks, knowing I'd never be able to tell him;
I'd probably never get his love back.
And when I finally closed my eyes, and let myself fall into a deep sleep, trying to escape this world...
He text me back, telling me to tell him...
Too bad I was asleep, and hadn't woken up.

Where Did I Go?

The past is fading faster and faster, and the future is coming too slowly.
I sit here wondering where I went wrong... Where did I do wrong?
I try to ignore the rudest people, try to make things right, and try to steer away from all the bad choices in life.
So why am I blessed with this lonely life?
I try to make something of it, but its a little hard to do it all alone.
Im just looking for a little love.
A friend, or maybe even a little more... But someone here with me, besides me.
I look over my shoulder, and I see nothing but my own ghost crying in the corner.
She says she misses everything.
Where did you go? Why did you leave me?
And with that, I shake my head and say Im right here, but when she looked up at me with the saddest eyes,.. and the deeper I looked, I couldn't even see my reflection.
Everything that happens to me is my own fault. I was the one who made her cry.
Where did I go? Where did I go wrong?
When did it suddenly become a struggle to live?
Why am I even alive?
What is my purpose if I'm just sitting here day after day, all alone?
If I cant make myself happy, what makes you think I can make anyone else happy?
Did I used to be able to do that? Wasnt I once happy? So what happened?
Why all of the sudden am I so down?
I look back over my shoulder...
Nothing there but the empty room. Where did I go?

There Was A.... and A...

There once was a boy.
And to the girl, he just seemed oh so perfect.
There just were a few things that no one really wanted to know.

There once was a girl.
And she was far from perfect.
There were just a few things no one knew.

And this boy, and this girl met,...
A few things happened,... and happened again.
But maybe not exactly the way they had wanted.
And so the girl found him out, but still thought he was perfect.
There were just a few things she didn't want to know.
And so the boy found her out, and she was just a girl.
And he did not yet know anything about her.

And so with his flaws, the girl dreamed about him, but knew it wasn't anything.
And so with her flaws, the boy looked past her, at everyone else,.. because he knew that there wasnt going to be anything.
But some nights, the girl would stare at him, only to look away.
Why stare when its nothing? Why hold his hand? Or play with his hair... if there was nothing?
But if there was nothing, why would he do it back?
Why would he kiss the girl softly, and stare her in the eyes if it was nothing?

The boy asks whats on her mind,
And the girl is too afraid to say.
And so the boy begs and pleads,
only to smile and laugh...
And so does the girl.

Think twice.. Don't give in.
But why the girl wonders... why would he toy around with her?
And the boy wonders why she looks away.

Just that night.

And so you took my heart, placed your hands around my face, and gave me a kiss.
Now what am I supposed to do?
Am I supposed to just sit here, and pretend it ever happened?
I try and try to see things though, but some how it just never comes.
What am I to do?
Just close my eyes and pry you wont come into my dreams?
It's not like I have a choice.
Do I just bother you now?
Was it just to see what I'd do?
Just that one night... I see now...
I was just your one night stand....

Missing You

Photographer: Steve [sdsteve @ modelmayhem]
Photo editing: Me Krystalle Crow @ Modelmayhem]

And this is how it ends..

One day I hope to find you

Letting Go

Im taking down his letter, and locking up his picture in my memory box.
I decided not to write a book about my life in Turlock....

I decided that tapes and pictures are enough...
However I still want to go back to California, but if I cant next year...
Than I think it's just going to be 'whatever'

Sorry... Ahead of time

Im sorry... Ahead of time.
Sorry... I dont know if it'll hurt.
But your hurting me...
So I think I'll just let you go now.
You dont know how to be with me,
And I dont know how to be with you.
Why cant you just love me?
You'll see that i'll love you more.
Dont you know Im all alone?
You just make me feel even more alone.
Pick me up if you want me.
I'll be here waiting.

Hello You

I dont really like you.
The end

Pain Pain, Go Away!

Lately I seem to have been getting in a bad mood lately. I dont know what it it, or whats causing it, and I feel like Im just getting stressed out over things I shouldnt be stressed out....
And my back....
My back has been in so many knots for the past few weeks, and its really starting to hurt really bad. I seriously need a deep, and painful back massage.

Last Night it Rained

It was a clear night, with no clouds in sight.
The stars were as bright as could be,..
But it was raining.
I couldn't hold back any feelings.
Anything you said, anything you did, I just couldn't understand.
My mind was scattered and lost, and I could only think of what I wish to not think.
Last night it rained.
It was dark... pitch black, and I couldn't see..
But I could feel.
And I know, if you were here with me, you wouldn't have a clue that it was raining as hard as it was.
Because your just that innocent.
I could hear it hitting the window... Every drop; every hit.
And then I watched it trickle down the glass, trying to run away from my sight.
My hand reached out and tried to wipe it away, but it never left the other side.
It was raining Last night,
And there were no clouds.

Tired of this Life

I tried to move on,...
Get away from that past that I loved oh so much, but how can I, when all I do is sit here day after day?
I try to make friends, but when I do, they always seem way to busy for me, and the only person who has time for me, is Nick, and he lives 30 minutes away!
What the hell you guys? Seriously, if your too busy, than how is it that I see or hear your always out? If you dont like me, just tell me!!
I dont need people like you lying to my face.

It's been almost 4/5 months, I dont even know anymore,... and I still have not yet found what makes me most happy here,.. in fact, I havn't found a damn thing.
So whats the use?
Its like you drug people.... wasting away in your own shit..
And I sit here, day after day, and theres nothing new for me...
There is nothing at all for me.
Im just sitting here wasting away.
I want to change!! Help me! I dont know how!
I've tried and tried, and I just end up back in the same spot.
Alone, and forgotten.

Also, how do I over come this fear of being alone?
Im not really talking about being alone in a house,... Im already used to that.
Im talking about walking around outside, going to the store, grabbing something to eat... I cant seem to do it alone. Is that weird?
I dont understand. Just walking out to the mailbox alone is even a little weird to me....
However, I do understand that at one point of time I had done things alone, I just cant really remember, but I know I had... its written on paper.

Im just a lost girl, not knowing where I am, or what to do...

Shoved in the shadows

I feel hidden, again.
Like the people that love me dont want anyone to know.
Why do I feel this way? Is it cause its true?
Should I just be shoved into the shadows?
Or could I stand up and speak? But would you get mad at me?
If I were to be friends with you, or whatever...
I'd want the world to know.
If I loved you...
I'd want the world to know.
Wouldn't you?

It was those eyes of yours

It was his eyes..
Thats what caught me off guard.
It was like watching the stars twinkling in the sky.
They were so full of life; filled with everything I could ever dream of.
And he looked at me with those eyes, and smiled,
And I could only stare..
Not even a smile came to my lips; I was so frozen, except my heart.
Too bad I couldn't stare too long. I'd become scared.
You'd take my hand, and once I'd look back at you, I'd smile..

It was those gorgeous blue eyes

Just us, and the stars

There was a time, where we could walk out of someones house, take each others hands, and head down the road. To where, it didnt matter. My heart would beat faster than normal, and you could tell as you looked at me, and smiled with those eyes. The town was quiet, but not quiet enough. It was filled with our voices, and laughs. Our hands would depart, and connect again as we chased each other around the street, and I'd walk on a little more, only to look back, and I'd stand there with a small smile, watching you picking a white rose from the rosebush, and you'd run up to me, stand there for a few minutes paralyzed; How do you hand it off? What do you say? Instead of knowing the best way to act, you just hand it over, and kiss me on the lips.

We'd walk back down the street, never stopping. Stare up at the stars... because they were the brightest thing around, and you'd hold me tight, knowing how afraid I would have been if I was all alone. A few hours pass, and I never wanted the night to end, but as we continued to walk around, we noticed that the bright stars started to fade. It was morning... Yes, we walked around the whole town till the sun rose. It was quiet, and calm, and all we could do is rule it like it was ours,... Just like how the whole night was ours. Just me,.. you... and the stars.

I gave you a chance, now give me mine.

There's things they say,....
About the things you do.
The way you act, the way you seem...
They say your a player, they say your just a game.
And the only thing I say, is trouble just keeps coming our way.
There was something I saw, something like no other.
The way you were, you just seemed way better.
There was something different about you and me;
Something way better, something I knew you could see.

Itty Bitty Spider

Hello there little spider. What are you doing, sitting by my window like that?
Are you suicidal? What is it that your waiting for?
You know nothings going to come and save you, right?

Your in 'my' room... There is nothing here for you;
Your just going to starve yourself like that.
Do you need help? I can let you out if you'd like;
How did you get in?

Your web is so huge... I assume you have a lot of time on your hands.
Lonely? Dont worry,.... I'll help you.
:)

---------------------------

I can remember back in the day, there was me and the crew back in Turlock California, and I was the only one afraid of spiders. Well Richie and Ronnie would sit around on a boring day, and every once in a while, they'd have a small, actually, not so small spider in their hands. The cute little fuzzy spider would stare up at us.. flickering around every time their hands moved a different chores, in order to keep its eyes locked upon us. Finally one day, I got the courage to hold one of those big jumping spiders, as Richie kept telling me that it wouldn't bite, and they were in fact not poisonous. And once I did, it was all to be announced.

"Look you guys! She conquered her fears! Look Ronnie, your girl is in fact brave" [haha..]
Just misunderstood creatures. Its fun to know someone cared, and tried to help

words and a picture

For hours I had been trying to find a picture for my blog...
Something to describe the way I feel; the way I see things. About love and life, and yet, me. And Im a girl full of sorrow. It was hard.

How Do You Even Know Me

To be an insecure person is unhealthy.
To be totally quiet all the time, and too shy... Is unhealthy.
To sit around and do nothing all day, is unhealthy.
To be alone, and to have chosen that path, is unhealthy.
To dwell on the past so much, is unhealthy.
To hold everything inside of me, is unhealthy.
To lie, or to just speak my mind whenever I please.... is unhealthy.

To be the person I am.....
Is unhealthy.

So why do people bother with me?
How do you even know a person like me?
Why do you stick around?

What, do you think you can change me?
Only I can change myself, and for 20 years,.. well if I really wanted to change, I would have done so by now,
wouldnt you think?

Maybe... maybe I do sorta want to change.
Is that why your here?
Is that the only reason though?
That you feel sorry for me? Dont. I dont need your pity.

I need a real person; a person with flaws.
But I dont need another me.

So really, why are you sticking around?
Wouldnt you rather know someone more fun?
Someone who has better emotions that I cant even provide in a week?
Someone who can make you happy, and proud, sad, and mad..
Someone not like me; more adventurous, cute and cheerful...
Someone not like me.


Could you help me change?
So maybe you could like me more...