Another Dead Winter

Winter is coming...
I feel like its gonna be just like last.
It starts out alright, but than it just goes down hill.
I just sit there, alone, in the dark.
Its cold, the rain is coming, I can feel it.
the snow sits there untouched.
Im not alone, but it feels like it.
Im tired of feeling alone.

A Fool, She Is

You never know what you've got, till you've lost it...
So I guess its alright to look like a fool for those you love...
Just make sure your making a fool out of yourself for the right ones; For the ones who'll make a fool out of themselves for you.

But how do you know who is worth it?
You cant tell till after you've made a fool out of yourself.
But even after that, It'll take some time till you can see. Look closely; watch, learn, spy.
Trust, but dont trust too much, because trusting too much, is a fool of a move.
Love, but dont love too much, for you can be loving someone who doesnt love you back.
Be happy, but not too happy, for those memories will tear you apart

There is nothing you can do to 'force' someone to love you, or force them to make a fool out of themselves just so you can see that it really IS true that they love you.
Behind your back, they can be doing the worst things...
You can never tell till its too late... Till your in knee deep.

I've been watching, I've been hearing, I've been learning, but Im not understanding.
These moves... they look so strange...
Your words, they hurt.
Your stories, they make me cry.
Your actions make me scared..
I made a fool's move...
So you said you love me...
People would say Im a fool, if people even knew...
I made that move.... and wont make another.
However, if I see a move from you...
That would make it better.

I'll loose people just for you,
but would you loose people for me?
I would die for you....
But would you even 'think' about dying for me?
I would fight for you...
But did you even fight for me?

Im not selfish,...
I just want to know if I really am loved.
Or if Im being fooled.

Some people would call me a fool...
And I would agree.
A fool, that I am.
I love you, and will till the day you leave my side, and even after.
A fool for love.
I always will be...
I always will be 'the' fool.

What is a Real Lie?

Look in the mirror and tell me what you see. Is this who you want to be? Nothing but a lie…
Your whole life is just a big lie; just what you make of it.
When will you tell the truth? Why wont you tell the truth?
What is so important about lying?
How do you know the truth from a lie now?

This is exactly what you want for others, right? To watch people fall under your spell.
But how long do you think we’ll be running around chasing our tails before we finally realize its attached to us?
You all say your different, that you’d never hurt someone but in the end, you are just another one of those robots.
You are all built the same, built to test the humans.
To trick, to lie, to lead, to teas, to believe, to realize, than to destroy.
You’ll go so far to make someone believe; You’ll do whatever it takes even if it means to shed tears, to change your life, to break your family, to loose your friends. You’ll do anything just to make that one person to believe everything you say.
And than you enjoy watching those people fall to their knees, or try to fight back, but than you remind them that they were the ones who fell so easily, and they crumble even more…
But than they remind you to look in the mirror,… That is just one more person you just lost, one more person you’ll never gain back.

Why are you hurting people? What do you get out of it?
That was one person who gave you part of their life, just for you, but it was nothing but a lie.
It wouldn’t be hard for them to erase every trace of you from their life, like you never existed.
Is that what you want? To be alone?
One by one, we’ll erase you from our lives, and we wont care. You’ll be alone.
And once your alone, with your existence gone from us, you’ll wonder what happened. All you have are your memories, and your reasons don’t matter anymore.
You’ll realize you were built to test yourself. To see how well you can survive alone.

You look in the mirror…
What is real?

And I never saw him again

With one hand on the steering wheel and the other holding my hand he told me ''Everything's different now.'' And that day, was the last time I saw him....

Late

So sorry for not updating in FOREVER!
but the depressing bullshit really got to me.
So here I am sitting at my grandparent's house, letting my cat walk around while the dog is sleeping in the garage.
So yesterday my best friend's mom kicked me out...
and Im having to hear how lonely Bass is feeling, and how he is crying. Yes, we're a little more than friends, and I miss him just as much. I hate being away from him. Its so heart breaking....
And on Sunday my ex moved to AZ to live with his new gf...
He was crying the day we 'thought' would be the last day we'd see each other.
Why are all these boys crying, yet they dont want to be with me?
I dont get it.

Just Like Last

I remember when my mom was dying.... I prayed and prayed.... and she got better!
and than it was like, 2 days later, she was worse than before, than passed away soon after that.

So the other day, I prayed to be happy, for bass to be happy, and marie, and frany, and for my cat to calm down and be happy....
and that night bass and I talked,... I had a way better understanding of him, and I knew from that day on, things would always be better between me and him. I was happy....
and than the next day, his mom kicks me out of the house o3/o8/1o

she didnt even give me a chance.
she simply kicked me out because she thought I ignored her....
THOUGHT! <-- key word... she acted like a child, didnt even want to talk about it. Just took it the wrong way, and didnt even give me a chance to speak!!
she just came in while me and bass were sleeping, and just started yelling at me, telling me I had 10 minutes to get my things out or she'd call the cops.

I couldnt believe her. A lady with very rude, immature kids, and she hates me for the smallest thing ever. 'i had to work for this roof,... god' God? No, GOD put that roof there... and if your a lady that believes in him, and Christ, your thought to learn to accept people into your home when they are lost and alone. No... you didnt even give me a chance.

I worked my ass off trying to find a job online, and even went out... but you couldnt even see that. I dont know how you can have crosses hanging in your home. Take them down! Im trying to change, trying to be happy, trying to find a life.... but no one will give me the chance! [except my dad, but I constantly feel like I have to be home at a certain time, cant go hang out with guys, or do this or that] Ever since my mom died, its like no one will give me a chance to live. I lived once... when I moved to Turlock. I was happy for once.

And YOU! You of all people.... I seriously thought you were something different. But you threw me out like an old rag. No respect, no remorse, no feelings, no care of where I end up. You just yelled like a little child wanting a new toy. Not caring about anything.

Forever and Never

So I will always love my ex Ronnie, even if we havnt dated for a long ass time, but hes the only one who has made me as happy as I was.... We never argued, we always got along, but then again I acted like a slave to him... everything he ever wanted, I'd always do.... for the most part. Dont ask why, thats just how it was. We always spent so much time with each other. Its a long story really, but once upon a time, he was dating a girl, and he was cheating on her with me, in fact, it was always like that.... apparently I was the only gf he actually never 'really' cheated on. Well he said he hadnt, but I cant really believe that. lol

Anyways, he says he still in love with me, so much, to the point that he didnt know if he should leave to AZ to live with his new gf, that he met online... He kept saying that I should have came back sooner [even though he was the one who really left me actually] but he ment coming back from Colorado.

He asked his new gf if I could be part of the relationship! He called her, and asked if they could have a 3 way relationship. Yes, he actually asked her! And yes,... she started crying =/

But the other night, we thought it was going to be the last night we get to see each other... He kept holding me tight, not wanting me to leave, kept saying 'I dont want this to be the last night' lol I also could tell he wanted sex by the way he grinds his teeth... it was about 9:30... and my grandparents lock the door around that time, and we were right in front of the house. He didnt want me to go in, kept going down to his knees begging me not to leave him.... He was unstable, and didnt know what to do. He just wanted me there.... he didnt want it to be the last night. Ronnie is deff NOT the guy you see, EVER begging...

He must have went down to the ground about 4 times.... But I had to go in. I loved him with all my heart, but my grandpa would have gotten really angry if I never came back home. And when I told Ronnie I really needed to go inside.... I looked up at him, and tears started falling. I didnt know what to do, or what to say.... Ronnie doesnt cry. Especially not in front of people. He may have cried once in front of me when I was moving to Colorado.... and he was with me early morning, as we waiting for my grandparents to pick me up, to take me to the airport. I can remember that day very clearly..... We kissed, and I started to cry.... and right as I did, it started to rain....

Ronnie's phone will be shut off today,... his gf probably will be watching him as he gets online after asking if I could be in the relationship, he doesnt get online that often anyways.... he blocked me from myspace last time we had drama.... and he hasnt been online for almost a month. I still have him on VF but he hasnt been on that for over a month.... He leaves on the 6th.... This saturday... Im sure I'll never hear from him again... But all his friends say he'll be crawling back in 4 months... I hope they are right. I dont see how Ronnie could leave his sister, and his best friend for some girl he met online.

I love him, and always will....

that was March 1st. His birthday was feb 28th. March 2nd was the last time I saw him. He leaves to AZ march 6th to go live with his new gf